As a psychologist and author who specializes in stress management, I regularly work with high-achieving women around the country, helping them understand and cope with the unique stressors in their lives. However, recently, I’ve been hearing from more and more women struggling with this whole work/life balance thing – and not for the reasons you might think.

Although the concept of work/life balance is not a new one, it has become more popular over the last few decades as more and more women have entered the workforce and have become increasingly torn and conflicted over the time they share between work and family. In fact, the recent surge of women into the job market as well as Michelle Obama’s focus on it has breathed new life to the work/life balance movement.

Of course, that’s good news. It shows that there is at least some recognition of the dangerous path that women are traveling on these days if they don’t attend to themselves and their emotional and physical health in their increasingly hectic and overscheduled lives. However, as with just about everything in life, there are few things that are completely “good,” and the same holds true for work/life balance. It has some negatives, some weaknesses that I believe are important to be aware of and discuss.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a balanced life. If you’re one of those lucky people who can achieve it, then by all means, balance! But most of us aren’t lucky in that way so the question becomes – how much additional stress are you placing on yourself to capture this elusive balance everyone seems to be talking about these days? 

“Stress?” you say. “What ever is she talking about? There’s no stress in balance! They’re on opposite ends of the continuum.” But are they? Well, not always, and what I’m finding is that this is especially not the case for high-achieving women.

Why is that? Well, the first problem is that high-achieving women are … well, you’re just so darn high-achieving! And I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s just that by nature you’re a little perfectionistic (okay, maybe a lot perfectionistic); you’re a tad on the competitive side (at least with yourself); and forgive the psychologist in me, but you’re a tiny bit obsessive compulsive. Because of these wonderful traits (and I mean that with all sincerity), many of you take on this work/life balance thing like it’s a challenge, like it’s a mountain that you have to climb every day.

What’s so bad about that? Absolutely nothing … except when you view it as a failure if you don’t reach the peak each and every day. And that’s what I see happening to many women. That’s how something that’s supposed to be stress-reducing (seeking balance) becomes stress-inducing.

But that’s not the only stressful aspect to achieving work/life balance for high-achieving women. Another has to do with the common advice offered by the “experts” to achieve balance. Simply put, it doesn’t fit well with the personalities and lifestyles of high-achieving women. It’s a set-up for failure because of who you are and the lives that you enjoy leading. And the trap goes something like this: buy this book (or read this article or listen to my radio show or watch my TV show), and if you do X, Y, and Z, then you, yes, you will achieve “balance!”

But here is why X, Y, and Z are destined to fail for most high-achieving women. First, X usually involves advising you to get rid of the things in your life that zap your energy. The problem is that what zaps most high-achieving women’s energy is that they spend longer hours at work than most people only to come home and spend even more hours working on their never-ending domestic responsibilities (i.e., children, partners, household chores), or working on more work “work,” or in some cases, both. Honestly, if you could get rid of those things, what would you need to balance, right? So the first tip most experts offer simply doesn’t work in the kinds of lives most high-achieving women lead.

Y typically has something to do with maintaining boundaries between home and work. Well, that’s nice, too … if you can do it. But a lot of high-achieving women own their own businesses or are in high-level positions in their company which makes it practically impossible to leave work at work. That’s especially true in this day and age where instant access to people and information through Blackberries, I-phones, IMs, email, even Twitter is right at your fingertips – literally. So maintaining boundaries for high-achieving women is one of those “nice if you can get it” things, but it’s not always practical or even good business for many in today’s job market.

Finally, Z usually involves carving out time to eat right, get enough sleep, and exercise. Honestly, how many of you get enough sleep? How many of you skip meals? How many of your back seats could serve as the stunt double for the garbage dumpster at McDonald’s? I mean, would you really do that if you felt like you had a choice? Of course not! You’re high-achieving, not masochistic. So again, these are nice goals to strive for, but in today’s corporate world where almost everyone is being asked to do more for less or do more to just hold on to their jobs, sleeping, eating, and exercising often fall to the bottom of the priority list.

So what’s a high-achieving woman to do? Here’s my advice. Look at achieving work/life balance the same as you look at wanting to become a millionaire … well, in today’s world, I suppose I should change that to a billionaire … look at it like wanting to become a billionaire. Most of us would like to achieve that status, but the reality is that very few of us ever will. And the same holds true for work/life balance. There’s nothing wrong with having it as a goal; it’s a good thing to strive for. But if you’re not realistic about it, it will only add to your stress.

Here’s a good reality check. With all the balls you’re juggling every day, is it realistic to expect that you won’t drop one (or two) every now and then as you trek up the treacherous terrain of that mountain of responsibilities that is your life? Or how about this reality test; it’s an example I hear fairly often from high-achieving women (I’ll use Susie to make my point) – Susie comes home from a 12 or 14 hour work day (or longer). When she walks in the door, she finds her kids screaming that they need their school uniform washed and everyone in the house is complaining of hunger. Susie dutifully starts dinner and a wash of laundry, but she begins to feel guilty because she’s not humming “Hi-ho” like the seven dwarves as she runs back and forth between the stove and the washing machine. Now I ask you, is Susie being realistic in her expectations of herself? Of course not.

So here is the reality. What you do each and every day is absolutely amazing, and even if it’s not perfect, it’s better than what most could do in a week or a month or even a year. It’s something to celebrate so take a moment and pat yourself on the back. Recognize and appreciate your own excellence. And most importantly, remember that although balance is important, don’t feel that you have to squeeze your uniquely shaped peg into what unfortunately seems to be evolving into a one-size-fits-all hole known as work/life balance. Balance is self-defined; it’s what works for you and your family. If you allow it to be anything else, you’re only adding another thing to your “to-do” list. And really, ladies, isn’t that list full enough?